Never before have I felt strength like this between my legs. She was beautiful. I hate that I fall in love so quickly. Her brown eyes were almost lazy, like she had just woken up. Her red hair intensifying in the sunlight. She was powerful yet pretty, she had a glint in her eye, she was around 16 hands- she was a horse. Honey and I spent weeks together in the Dublin mountains practicing precise manoeuvres, walking, trotting, circling, to left and right, around the obstacle course, getting up to canters before Mike would shout and point at a leaf and we’d have to stop dead on a mark. ‘You’re ready’ he said.
Filming days are like going on holiday days. You prepare everything to a fine detail the night before and set 7 alarms so you don’t sleep through the 6am pick up time. By the time the first alarm goes off, you have only just nodded off because you couldn’t sleep with the anticipation. The driver and I are on the same page, a simple polite ‘Good morning’. No small talk. No pretending we’re best friends. It is 6am. We’re happy to listen to the radio and I’ll close my eyes for a bit as we make our way from Dublin City Centre to the Wicklow mountains.
Lucia greets me at the car door on arrival. In multi-million dollar productions, you don’t go anywhere or do anything without somebody taking you, from the moment you leave your house. It’s not to do with being any sort of celebrity or VIP, it’s insurance. Us creative types cannot be trusted. On one previous production, a driver was banging an actor’s front door down to no response. He got a call from another driver to say he had, said actor. Said actor had stayed the night at another actor’s house. Said actor reported to me, in my trailer that morning, that riding may have taken place, and not of the equestrian sort.
My costume is intricate. I had three meetings with the designers where every part of my body was examined and poked with needles in the pursuit of creating a stunning hand made costume. Today’s scene is set in 1500’s Scotland. Contrary to popular belief, there were no kilts worn in that period. For this I am thankful, as it could have led to the threatening of my ability to further procreate if I had to trot on Honey, jockless. The specially designed britches had problems in the first design. The part to cover the crotch, had been cut to the shape of ones manhood. To say the designer was optimistic is putting it lightly. The weapon that she envisaged me carrying beneath my britches would have been a size, capable of satisfying Honey.
There are countless buckles and pull strings to attend to, and the costume women arrive to add the final touches. I look in the mirror and run my lines. I look like a professional at playing pretend. As I'm taken to the set for the first scene, I meet my co-star and realise men have it easier. She wears a duvet under her dress for the puffy look, and I don’t even ask about the corset or headwear. I’m introduced to two babies. I don’t know why. Then I'm told I have to hold one of them at the end of the scene—this wasn’t in the script. Honey is waiting, just standing in the background for this scene. She keeps getting her arse in the shot. Reset. The baby isn’t happy and I don’t blame him. Director is happy with the scene. Moving on.
I have managed to navigate a way for me to relieve myself at the urinal without undoing everything, however, the trailer in which I stand is on the move. It is being lifted by a forklift. I have to shout that I am in there, but the crew just want to get to the next location. Powerscourt Waterfall, and Mike has Honey next to the tiny dirt track that we rehearsed in. There are rocks to manoeuvre around but Honey and I have nailed it in rehearsals. I can’t wait. I meet my actor partner for this scene. He’s a child actor protégée, whose last film was with Keven Costner. What a step down this is.
We take lunch. An ice-cream truck arrives. We ask my co-star’s Mother to get us some blue slushies. One sip later a producer points to the historical inaccuracies of characters having blue tongues and teeth. That’s the end of that. Tourists take photos. They want selfies with the actors and my co-star obliges, I tell them I am no one. They ask the crew what the name of the show is and they all look to each other ‘What show is this again?’ Finally we are ready to shoot the scene. Now is my time. The light is perfect and we can go. Mike approaches me. ‘Remember everything we’ve worked on for the last 8 weeks?’ he says. ‘Yes Mike I’m ready!’ I cannot wait for this. ‘Well forget all about it, you’re just walking alongside the horse now.’ Brilliant.
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