I've got nothing, and it's pretty great.

I apologise to you all my loyal readers for being so lax on the posts of late. I will endeavour to get the routine back and be consistent in the posts, I need to be consistent for my own head! Let me explain, very briefly so as not to bore you.

I came back from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, to Dublin, back from the bubble of a massive arts festival, surrounded by artists & great shows in a creative heaven- that is not real! I got back to Dublin and for a week I felt like a balloon. All of the daily normal life tasks? I felt like I was watching myself doing them. I had the bends. You know when deep sea divers come up to the surface too quickly? They get fatigue and pain in their muscles and joints and are all over the place? That’s what I was like trying to do the school run! Then I couldn’t sleep because no matter how exhausted my body was - at 19:45, it would wake up and go ‘Time to do a show Stevo isn’t it?!’ No you stupid body let me sleep!

The main thing that burnt me out was my brain would not stop. I was inspired by shows I had seen at the Fringe- the reality setting in that right now in this moment I HAVE NO SHOW! The show I did at the Fringe was a version of the show I toured earlier this year and now I have to get to creating a new one so I can…. eat. Am I scared? What do you think?

I think we have all been at this point in life. Often this feeling can come at a moment that at the time, is a low point. It could be the death of a family or a loved one, it could be being laid off in a job, or getting sacked from a job or maybe the most common one- a long ass moment of ten years working and living the day to day filled with mundanity that leeches your soul. I’ve had all of these things, I’ve had pretty dark moments in my life where I actually decided I didn’t want to go on- but- I look back at all these things now and I can see, by listening to myself, I found different paths in life.

Creating a show is very like life. You do not know where to start. There is no one there to tell you how to do it, there is no plan, there is no course, no one can teach you how to express yourself and no one cares about you making this thing because they’re busy with their own shit. This blank canvas, this white page, this blinking cursor is screaming at you that you have nothing, that you are foolish to think that anyone wants to listen to your ideas, that you are better off giving in and getting what the whole world wants you should get, a real job. I have done that. I have given in to all those thoughts many times and let my soul waste away, melting under the slow growing depression before I am left with a choice. To make, or not to make. I love that place because I know, I have nothing. I embrace it and know that I would rather die than not make the thing. I give those voices the two fingers: ‘Fuck yourself.’ It’s the dragon in hell versus me- and I can chose the black hole or fight the fire.

It does take courage, as does life. It takes courage to listen to the unique voice inside yourself, that is telling you something. Often it’s a compass telling you what you don’t want, therefore showing you what direction you need to go. It takes courage to write a show. This does not make me great, often I think it makes me stupid. Why not be happy and settle in a routine life that millions are perfectly happy and secure in? Maybe it would take more courage for me to do that? Maybe I am hiding in comedy land because I don’t have the courage to live a responsible way.

But then I am left with the feeling I have when I decide to fight the dragon again. The feeling of ‘Fuck it, I have nothing to lose.’ I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if it will be good, I don’t know if I’ll live to see it through, I don’t know if I can do it. All of that is ok. It makes me smile. It gives me something to fight for. I am only doing this because in the past I have made people happy, and maybe I can do that again. That is a good enough reason for me to get up in the morning.

Thanks for reading. I’d love to hear from you. What are some moments from your life when you were scared, but you jumped anyway? What is a moment in you life that was terrible at the time, but now you see the fruits of it? Maybe you are in that moment right now. All I can say to you right now, is just do you. There are some exciting things ahead, if you dare to take on your dragon.